2012 December 5th
Words are cruel. Sometimes they do nothing but sting you, making you feel uncomfortable in more ways than one. And then there are those times when they seem to cut deep. Like a double edged sword, searing through whatever armor you have on. Confidence, faith, skin, strength,hope,soul…. People would keep on saying things, and you, would just keep on breaking…. apart. And you’re left with your soul,with a million holes. And you can’t do anything to ease the pain, but just stand there, and take it,and never let it show. That you’re dying a little inside every time you hear those words Sometimes I wonder, is it possible for someone to feel soo much hurt and pain. The kind of pain that you don’t deserve but now that you’ve been suffering for so long, too long, that you already think that maybe you actually deserve it? I ask myself the same question every day. Why?
To my dad, and my brother, I know that I’ve been a disappointment to you. I know I’ve been putting you through a lot… you don’t deserve that, and I am sorry for being the way that I am. If only you know how I truly feel. How I am ashamed of what I have become. How I hate becoming what I am now. I didn’t mean to be this way, and I don’t know why it has to be like this. I can’t help the way I think. In all honesty, I don’t even trust myself. God knows I love you both soo much, but I still can’t trust you with my true feelings, yet. Yes, I am that afraid…of judgment, of love. Sometimes I wish that I could just forget everything, so I wouldn’t care this much. And also, I fantasize about running away from home, and living alone on a remote island, once in a while I would just send letters to let my family know i’m okay. That would be nice…. oh yeah… and bungee jumping…that would be fun!