Journal Entry 2012 December 5th

>i was skimming through my journal last night and found this entry. and then i said to myself… i wrote this?Image

Journal Entry

2012 December 5th

 

1:05 pm

Words are cruel. Sometimes they do nothing but sting you, making you feel uncomfortable in more ways than one. And then there are those times when they seem to cut deep. Like a double edged sword, searing through whatever armor you have on. Confidence, faith, skin, strength,hope,soul…. People would keep on saying things, and you, would just keep on breaking…. apart. And you’re left with your soul,with a million holes. And you can’t do anything to ease the pain, but just stand there, and take it,and never let it show. That you’re dying a little inside every time you hear those words Sometimes I wonder, is it possible for someone to feel soo much hurt and pain. The kind of pain that you don’t deserve but now that you’ve been suffering for so long, too long, that you already think that maybe you actually deserve it? I ask myself the same question every day. Why?

To my dad, and my brother, I know that I’ve been a disappointment to you. I know I’ve been putting you through a lot… you don’t deserve that, and I am sorry for being the way that I am. If only you know how I truly feel. How I am ashamed of what I have become. How I hate becoming what I am now. I didn’t mean to be this way, and I don’t know why it has to be like this. I can’t help the way I think. In all honesty, I don’t even trust myself. God knows I love you both soo much, but I still can’t trust you with my true feelings, yet. Yes, I am that afraid…of judgment, of love. Sometimes I wish that I could just forget everything, so I wouldn’t care this much. And also, I fantasize about running away from home, and living alone on a remote island, once in a while I would just send letters to let my family know i’m okay. That would be nice…. oh yeah… and bungee jumping…that would be fun!

 

 

Breakout Hell

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I think my fellow ACNE sufferers would agree when i say that having “Breakouts” just feel like Hell!

People with ACNE can be the most conscious and obsessive people…well, i know i am….

That is the main reason why I STAY AWAY FROM MIRRORS….. Mirrors are definitely not my best friend. I hate it as much as it hates me. When i started looking less in the mirror i found that i tend to “not pick” at my acne, and not obsess about my skin too much. I realized that touching my skin or picking would do more harm than good.

And speaking of doing more harm…Make-up!… pushing 3 years now, i haven’t put a single drop of make up on my face….and yes even those Bad breakout times….. so imagine me going home from my derm, what with all the procedures done, my face looking all red, blotchy,pimply, and i have to take public transportation? yeah….i’ve done that and still on that process…every time i go back for a consult…. but i always say to myself it’s the least i can do to help my skin….. and it’s for the better….. i’ve noticed improvements when i stopped wearing make up…. and yes…it is for the better.

let me just say, that i still am NOT CLEAR….. i still get those breakouts (heck i’m having one now)…. coz my hormones are F’ed up i guess….. and yes i still feel down that slippery slope…. but i’m gonna continue to FIGHT against ACNE…. I owe it to myself at least!

I’m not telling I’m bipolar….

Image–> dreading the day when this event will come!

It wasn’t that long ago, when i was diagnosed with Bipolar, Major Depressive Disorder.
It was midsummer, last year when i finally went and consulted a psychiatrist. My family, well some of ’em, took notice of my behavior
of almost 2 years, not wanting to go out of the house. Almost always spaced out when being talked to. Not responding when being asked. That was also the time when I started breaking out, pretty bad. That’s when everything in my life started to take a free fall.

My confidence flew right out of the window. My self esteem was shattered. I was drowning in a sea of shame, guilt, fear, and pain.
Who knew that having ACNE would have this much effect on my life?

Since then, i’ve stopped talking to my friends…..  Up to now i don’t even trust my own family with my true feelings.
Am i crazy to think that?
To be honest, i don’t trust anybody right now. Not even myself. I’m afraid that they will judge me, and that it will hurt. The pain from which
i’m suffering right now is just unbearable to the point where i even feel like there’s a milllion holes in my soul, and that my heart has been
shattered to a million pieces as well.
I often ask myself, will this cycle ever end?……. although i know what the answer is everytime… probably Not.
Currently, only 7 people, in my family (including closest aunts and cousins), know that I have Bipolar disorder.
Haven’t reached out to any of my friends and told them yet….. i still just can’t…. i’m not ready for that yet! I don’t have the courage, plus i don’t
wanna see them when i have this Acne ridden face of mine…. ugh
I don’t want to make new friends and commitment-type-relationships, and yes…i am that afraid!

i’m just hoping, that maybe, someday, i’ll overcome every fear that comes with this kind of thought process.
i really am tired of being such a negative blob….. that’s why i’m also thankful of the manic days… sometimes, they do come in handy!
but for now, nobody else need not know that I am  :(:  …… it’ll be my little secret.

The Crying Spells

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Is crying a normal thing with people who has bipolar disorder?

I find myself asking this question a lot….. Like last night, i had a crying spell again…i cried until I fell asleep……

There i was, watching “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” on cable tv and then the next thing i know, i found myself staring in front of the mirror, not recognizing the face in front of me. What am i doing? What have i become?…. that depressing feelings sinks deeper and deeper into my soul. And of course, having ACNE, tops it all off… Tears started coming down like water falls. I felt like punching that stupid mirror. I also wanted to knock some sense out me,but the tears just came, and the pain is just ever so overwhelming.

Yep…. my life just sucks huh?…….. will i ever accept the fact that i have this illness? i don’t know…. Sometimes i’m fine with it, most of the times i’m not…. The very word “Bipolar” sets me off…. everytime i hear it inside the house, i shut down and walk off.

My brother told me once, “why do you always walk away when we’re talking seriously?”…  I so desperately want to answer, “because i can hear every inch of ridicule and condescension in the tone of your voice, the way you talk to me makes me feel like a low life…… like i’m worthless…. don’t you think that i already think of myself that way? every possible ridicule you say or haven’t even thought about, i have already said to myself, to my face!”…… but no…i choose not to say anything coz i don’t think i can handle more confrontation. i keep to myself…. it’s better that way…. coz i don’t want  my family to feel the kind of pain i’m feeling and dealing with (if you call it’ dealing!)….. i already feel like i’m putting them through too much….. so i just keep my true pains and sufferings to myself….

oh…i found this cat video that i like……. BANTER!

Laughing at Lucid Moments

Lumpy space princess

LSP’s Lumps

So the fun in being a bum is that i get to surf cable tv and boy have i found great shows that got me Laughing the MATH out!!!

ADVENTURE TIME with Finn and Jake just cracks me up EVERYTIME!!!

every character has their own banaynay personalities and i’m loving them more and more.

Despite all my problems and fears, whenever i tune to CN and watch Finn and Jake play, and adventure all around the Land of Ooo, my worries and dark thoughts fly away in a heartbeat… I mean come on, who wouldn’t laugh at these kinds of lines?

talking bush: “the current’s so fast it’s gonna turn your butt inside out for real”

Finn: “thanks guys, your blood oath is fulfilled”

Balloons: “Yey! To the mesosphere, Finally we can Die!!!”

Jake: “Girl if I didn’t have a GF, i’d be on you like Butter on toast!”

LSP(Lumpy Space Princess):”I’m sorry that you’re starving because I ate all of your crops, even though you’re all still really fat, and I probably helped you lose some weight.

Hello World!…or not. Part II

Seven years later, I have graduated from College and I still coudn’t seem to find a job…. Stress took a toll on me and it affected my skin. I knew acne is a normal part of growing up, I had a huge breakout in the year 2008, I was in my final year of College, it came round the time yearbook pictures were being taken (it sucked big time, but thank God there’s photoshop), I just used a popular acne fighting brand and in a month I was clear of Activ Acne…… and then it came back, and this time… WAY WORSE….I started having Severe Acne in 2010, and in 2011 I hit ROCK BOTTOM… Broke, Broken out and Depressed, I didn’t want to go out of the house, and when I had to go out and buy something even if the store is just a couple blocks away, I had to put on concealer to hide the disgusting thing that is my face! I have no self confidence, I look disgusting, and I am disgusted by the way I look. I felt as if the real me abandoned my body out in the middle of the ocean and every minute I feel myself drowning deeper and deeper into the abyss of nothingness. I was hollow, I was just an entity, and my identity ran away from me, it threw itself out of the window and I just sat there looking, not moving, can’t do anything to get it back…it’s gone. My life is gone. I sometimes fantasized ways on how to go and leave this life. Days went by, and turned into months, I stayed inside my house, I avoided mirrors because I didn’t want to look at my face. Heck, I even stopped talking to my friends and logging on any social media where I might bump into them…….I spent nights crying myself to sleep…..after a year, I’ve Tried a lot of facial products that didn’t work until one day, I mustered all my courage, and the money that i’ve managed to save up, I went out and I consulted a Dermatologist…I went on to take the pill (Accutane)…it’s helping in controlling my Acne, however my depression is still a whole new realm on it’s own…. My brother and my closest cousin took notice of my behaviour and my actions, and the next thing I know, i’m talking to my aunt (my mom’s older sister) who’s a retired RN in California, over the telephone. I blurted out the things I have been feeling (not all, coz up to now I still am hesitant to tell anyone EVERYTHING that I feel), and she urged me to consult a Psychiatrist… turns out Depression runs in the family and apparently my mom had it too….i passed the phone to my Dad and they had a talk. A few days later, we contacted my cousin who’s a doctor, asked if she knows any reliable and legit Psychiatrist….. A few messages and phone calls later, we were scheduled to meet and have a consultation. April 21, 2012, I was Diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder, Major Depressive Episode. Taken 2 months on medication.

So, Accutane+Lithium+Lexapro= just great…… Acne+Bipolar=????

Still have continous mood swings and sad to say breakouts..still… one minute I feel great, like I can take on the world and with just a glance at my face in the mirror, my world comes crashing down again….and again…and again.

So please bear with this long Hello, and also my journey through Acne and Bipolar, coz if there’s one thing that i’m certain of besides all the madness that’s in my head and in my life, “It’s that I’m never gonna stop fighting!”

 

Hello World!…or not Part I

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My name is M… I’m 23 y/o and this is my story

I was raised by my loving parents with my older brother, and i can say that i’ve lived a pretty normal childhood. I was a normal average girl, living in a very normal average house, in a normal average village. Trips to the countryside every summer vacation, visiting relatives, with lots of childhood adventuring.

Years later, I was in my fourth year of high school, and with a single phone call from a relative, EVERYTHING CHANGED….

My dad received a phone call from my uncle, my mom’s eldest brother, saying that they rushed my mom to the hospital, we learned then that my mom had an attack.
Months earlier before the incident, my mom had to leave us to take care of our ailing grandmother, and of course we understood that she had to do it. And then the news of our mothers hospitalization came, and it struck us like lightning. A few days later, they had to bring  my mom to the city because she needs surgery ASAP and the hospitals in the province weren’t well equipped. She was admitted straight in the ICU and then she went into surgery. I was still going to school, while my mom was in the hospital, but at the day of the surgery i didn’t come to class. I saw her being wheeled into the doors of the OR, and i think she saw me and my dad waiting coz suddenly she raised her hand up and gave us a wave…  She had to undergo a couple more procedures, and I had to go home coz i had to attend class… At school,I wasn’t paying attention to any class….i just spent the whole day looking outside the window..into the sky praying…just praying. I felt nothing but dread all the time. Then my phone rang, and news that the surgery went well filled my ears,my eyes with tears, and a feeling of relief. I thought to myself, “The worst part is over”….  A couple of days later, my aunt who was living with us for the while woke me and my brother up early in the morning and told us to get dressed because WE NEED TO BE AT THE HOSPITAL RIGHT AWAY, and the first thing that went into my mind was that SOMETHING WASN”T RIGHT…… and then tears started falling down my cheeks… as warm as my tears were, it couldn’t fight the overwhelming coldness that i feel in my heart. I remember our trusty neighbor had to take us in their car coz my dad was in the hospital. September 28, 2004, my mom died, having suffered multiple heart attacks…..

a quote from Marilyn Monroe